Weekly Recap Tidbits

Today I paid my tuition bill for fall and purchased one textbook. Since I'm going to community college this semester my books will cost as much as my tuition. I love to read and appreciate books but $250 for a used book makes me nauseous.

This has been a summer of reading, with about nine books so far. The last was The Secret Life of Bees and it was good. Next is James Herriott's All Creatures Great and Small. One of my favorites was Tell Me Where It Hurts, written by a small animal emergency vet. Marley and Me was great too. I think I should read a non-animal related book after Creatures to broaden my horizons a little.

I lost three pounds!

I'm no longer an anxious ball of nerves!

This weekend at The Raptor Center I'm going to talk to the resident vet or the volunteer coordinator to see if I can start to focus on some duties other than cleaning cages and feeding. I'm happy to do both, and I know they are vital but I really would like some more exposure to medical procedures. I'm going to suggest expanding my shift two hours from 10-4pm so I will have time to clean, feed and learn new stuff.

One of the guys at the check-in counter at the gym told me I looked pretty today. That's always so nice to hear.

Vital Signs

Today I went to my two week follow up for the new Zoloft prescription. I have been on the medicine for 13 days and could not be more pleased. To put evidence of my relief in quantifiable terms, my vital signs were as follows before starting the Zoloft:

Blood pressure: 140 over 90

Resting pulse: 94 bpm

Weight: 173

Mood: scared and agitated

Today:

Blood pressure: 110 over 60

Resting pulse: 60 bpm

Weight: 170

Mood: happy

I'm officially a walking advertisement for anti-depressants. I'm a little upset at myself for waiting all these years to try an SSRI but I can't and won't beat myself up over it.

Boys will be boys?

The office where I work consists of financial advisors, their assistants, managers, bankers and operations personnel. Yesterday one of the advisors came to me and asked where he could find "one of the banker girls". I chuckled a little and he asked why. I said, "banker girls"? He was perplexed and a little offended. He was offended. I have always wondered if the sexism and bigotry is as bad everywhere else as I've seen it in financial services. I guess I will soon find out. I'm hoping for the best.

Another great day

I feel great again today and I'm so excited about it. I'm afraid of jinxing myself but I'm hoping this means the new medication is working and I can stop being so anxious every waking moment of my life. It's such a relief!

Sunny and 70 Degrees Update

It's been a little bit of a weird week, getting used to the Zoloft, but overall I'm very happy with my progress. The first 3 or 4 days I was very tired, a little ditzy-feeling and had no appetite whatsoever; days 5 through 8 I vacillated between feeling mopey and "pretty good". Today I feel great! I have no anxiety and I'm not tired. I'm keeping all fingers crossed that I will feel this good tomorrow.

I spent a few hours at The Raptor Center cleaning, preparing food and taking a few pictures with my camera phone. The shots aren't great but you can see one of the enclosures I go into and a few of the owls. I'm starting to feel like I belong there a little, and it's a nice feeling. Since Christine showed me how to go into the hawk cages I'm no longer afraid of them. I just go in and do what I need to do and get out without freaking out over it.

I have been looking for and reading blogs of veterinary school students. Found a great one of an American student studying in Ireland today. She posts very detailed notes from cases at school so I feel like I'm getting a small taste of what school would be like. It seems very very hard. I'm not sure I'm smart enough.

Back to work tomorrow. The countdown to Fall semester has begun, it's just five weeks away, which is 25 working days. The bill for tuition came in the mail Friday, making it feel very real. Book lists have been posted and my books will cost as much as tuition. I can't believe publishers still get away with that crap.

To Z or Not to Z is No Longer the Question

Most of my life has been spent crippled by anxiety. I will spend a few months with just slight anxiety, kind of like the feeling many people get just before an interview. Then out of no where a giant wave will hit me and I spend weeks treading to keep my head above water. I feel helpless; out of control; crazy. And I'm sick to death of it.

In my quest to "get over" this anxiety, I have tried the following, many concurrently:

running--as much as 3 miles five days a week

lifting weights

eating organic

cutting out junk food

eliminating caffeine

sleeping more or sleeping less

trying really hard to ignore it

giving it lots of attention to try to find out how to help it

homeopathic remedies and tinctures

herbal remedies

Chinese Medicinal teas

filling my calendar so full of events in hopes I wouldn't "have time" to feel anxious

eliminating most items on my calendar hoping it would eliminate the anxiety

yoga

tai chi

swimming

walking for long distances

training for a half marathon

cognitive behavioral therapy (LOTS of it from three different therapists)

changing jobs

acupuncture

Xanax

Buspar

I don't like taking medication. Who does, right? So every time a doctor mentioned medication I dismissed it. Except for about ten years ago, when I was having such a hard time that I broke down and tried Buspar. It didn't work for me. I continued to take it for 6 weeks but the incredible nausea never went away, so I went off it. And the experience of taking it was so bad that I have since told every physician who has told me I need to take something that I won't take it, until this week. I saw my doctor Tuesday, and was so anxious that I couldn't even sit still on the exam table. Twice I had to get up and pace around the tiny room, with him looking at me with concerned eyes. When he mentioned the word Zoloft, I started to cry. He has mentioned it before but rather than urging me to try it, he was telling me I need to take it. So I filled the prescription (a big step) and planned to start taking it next week if things didn't improve. They haven't improved. And this morning, I didn't get to go to the bird release or the vet hospital because I was very anxious and afraid to leave the house. Afraid to leave the house as in agoraphobia. As in I really need to take the Zoloft. So I took it.

The North Carolina Zoo

Spent some time at our nearest zoo today, about 90 minutes away in Asheboro. We had a good time walking some of the five miles of pathways between exhibits. Although we only had time to see the Africa half of the zoo, we plan to go back to see the North America side.

This morning I'm going to a ceremony where a bald eagle, who has been nursed back to health at The Raptor Center, is being released. A tracking device has been put on one of the bird's legs. Then I'm going to a Veterinary Hospital to apply for a relief receptionist position advertised online. The hours are 8-4 every other weekend and although it will be tough at first, it should be much easier once I go part time at the firm the end of August.