To Z or Not to Z is No Longer the Question

Most of my life has been spent crippled by anxiety. I will spend a few months with just slight anxiety, kind of like the feeling many people get just before an interview. Then out of no where a giant wave will hit me and I spend weeks treading to keep my head above water. I feel helpless; out of control; crazy. And I'm sick to death of it.

In my quest to "get over" this anxiety, I have tried the following, many concurrently:

running--as much as 3 miles five days a week

lifting weights

eating organic

cutting out junk food

eliminating caffeine

sleeping more or sleeping less

trying really hard to ignore it

giving it lots of attention to try to find out how to help it

homeopathic remedies and tinctures

herbal remedies

Chinese Medicinal teas

filling my calendar so full of events in hopes I wouldn't "have time" to feel anxious

eliminating most items on my calendar hoping it would eliminate the anxiety

yoga

tai chi

swimming

walking for long distances

training for a half marathon

cognitive behavioral therapy (LOTS of it from three different therapists)

changing jobs

acupuncture

Xanax

Buspar

I don't like taking medication. Who does, right? So every time a doctor mentioned medication I dismissed it. Except for about ten years ago, when I was having such a hard time that I broke down and tried Buspar. It didn't work for me. I continued to take it for 6 weeks but the incredible nausea never went away, so I went off it. And the experience of taking it was so bad that I have since told every physician who has told me I need to take something that I won't take it, until this week. I saw my doctor Tuesday, and was so anxious that I couldn't even sit still on the exam table. Twice I had to get up and pace around the tiny room, with him looking at me with concerned eyes. When he mentioned the word Zoloft, I started to cry. He has mentioned it before but rather than urging me to try it, he was telling me I need to take it. So I filled the prescription (a big step) and planned to start taking it next week if things didn't improve. They haven't improved. And this morning, I didn't get to go to the bird release or the vet hospital because I was very anxious and afraid to leave the house. Afraid to leave the house as in agoraphobia. As in I really need to take the Zoloft. So I took it.